5. “Kaj bodo rekli drugi?” – VSTOPNICA ZA DEPRESIJO

…in končno sem prišla domov. Najlepše je bilo objeti njega. Tisto malo čisto bitje, ki ne pozna ne časa, ne prostora. Njegove oči so kazale neizmerno ljubezen in nasmeh se je širil od ušesa, do ušesa. V tistem trenutku se je odprlo tudi moje srce. Solze hvaležnosti, da sem spet ob njem, so lile po obrazu. Če bi lahko, bi ostala v tem trenutku, za vedno. Ko sem se ozrla naokoli, sem videla, vesele in ganjene obraze, meni najdražjih ljudi. Čakala me je tudi torta, saj sem se še enkrat rodila. Krasen sprejem. Zaključek nečesa, vendar začetek nečesa novega.

Pred menoj je bilo še dolgo obdobje zdravljenja in okrevanja. Nisem vedela, kaj vse me čaka. Vedela sem samo, da ne bo najbolj prijetno. V tistem obdobju, me je iskalo veliko prijateljev, vendar nisem imela moči, da bi se soočala s pomilujočimi pogledi. Raje sem ostajala sama, v krogu najbližjih. Ko sem izvedela, da se bo moj zunanji izgled, zaradi zdravljenja spremenil, me je to zelo prizadelo. “Kaj si bodo mislili drugi?” je zame bilo glavno vprašanje. Spomnim se, da mi je zdravnica rekla, da mi lahko počrnijo nohti. Veselo sem ji odgovorila, da jih bom pobarvala z rdečo, da ne bo videti. Zasmejala se je, in mi rekla, da bodo nohti pod barvo, še zmeraj črni. Takrat nisem razumela, kaj mi je želela povedati, saj sem bila vesela, da se črnih nohtov ne bo videlo.

Sledilo je obdobje vzponov in padcev. Bila sem močna. Navzven vedno nasmejana. Na skrivaj sem občasno, s solzami, mazilila svojo notranjo bolečino, ki sem jo skrbno skrivala pred vsemi. Najbolj pa, pred samo seboj. Ni lahko nositi masko sreče v trenutkih, ko je v tebi jeza, žalost, razočaranje, nezaupanje, prizadetost,…ipd. Takrat, sem se prvič srečala z depresijo. Dolgo sva se spogledovali. Počasi mi je bila vedno bliže. Želela me je objeti in stisniti v svoj objem, ampak nisem ji dovolila. Bili so dnevi, ko se je lahko približala bolj in dnevi, ko ji nisem pustila blizu. Notranji boj je bil na trenutke nevzdržen. Napadi strahu, panike in jeze so se vrstili predvsem ponoči, ko nisem imela kontrole. Težko obdobje je bilo. Težje je bilo prenašati njo (depresijo), kot fizično bolečino. Nekega dne, je bilo tako hudo, da nisem imela več moči, da bi zadržala masko sreče na obrazu. Enostavno sem “padla” in se nisem mogla več pretvarjati.

To je bil dan, moje odrešitve. Ugotovila sem, da je depresija močnejša v trenutkih, ko “lažem” in šibkejša v trenutkih, ko sem iskrena, do sebe. Priznala sem si, da nisem dobro. Sprejela sem svojo bolečino. Izjokala vse solze. Objela sem se. V sebi sem najprej začutila krivdo do sebe. Predvsem zato, ker si nisem dovolila biti šibka, ko sem v resnici, pač bila šibka. Sebe sem dobesedno objela, kot bi objela svojega sina. V tistem trenutku, sem res začutila ljubezen do sebe. Sovraštvo in laži, so počasi zapuščale moje polje. Neverjetno olajšanje. Bolj sem bila iskrena, dlje je bila depresija.

Največja past, ki nas pripelje do Nje (depresije) je to: “Kaj bodo rekli drugi?”.  Drugih, v resnici, ne briga veliko za nas. Vsak je ujet v svoj svet. Večina ljudi, želi biti popolnih in se ukvarja z istim vprašanjem kot mi. Zato ima depresija, vsak dan večjo moč nad ljudmi. Ko postanemo iskreni, depresija izgine. Ni nujno, da smo ves čas nasmejani, urejeni, lepi, popolni,…Tudi v naravi ni nič popolno, pa vendar, je popolno vse.

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