3. del – Čarobna palčka je naša NOTRANJA MOČ

…Priznam, vedno sem iskala rešitelje zunaj sebe. Zanimivo je to, da sem jih navidezno, vedno tudi našla. Kadarkoli se je pojavil izziv, sem razmišljala, kako bi ga lahko rešila z neko zunanjo pomočjo. Kot angeli so se pojavljali ljudje ali situacije, ki so reševale moje izzive. Takrat se nisem zavedala, da so to le “instant” rešitve, ki ne prinašajo prav nič dolgotrajnega. Po letih takega delovanja, mi je življenje poslalo izkušnjo, ki je ni mogel rešiti nihče, razen mene.

Bilo je vroče poletje. Ležala sem v bolnišniški postelji. Zaradi operacije se nisem smela premikati. Moj pogled je bil usmerjen skozi okno. Videla sem visoko betonsko stavbo, ki se je cvrla” pod vročim soncem. Travnik, pred stavbo, je bil prazen, zaradi vročine. Če sem pogledala naravnost, je pred mano stala hladna stena modre barve. Zraven mene je ležala starejša ženska, zatopljena v svoje misli. Osebje je bilo prijazno in vedno na voljo. V telefonu je bilo veliko spodbudnih sporočil. Navzven sem imela vso podporo, vendar sem se počutila sama. Naenkrat sem zaslišala notranji glas: “Veš, četudi bi ti radi pomagali, ti ne morejo. Četudi je med ljudmi kdo, ki bi prevzel tvojo izkušnjo, samo zato, da bi te rešil, je tokrat ne more. Sedaj si na vrsti ti.” Čutila sem, da so se v meni odprla nova vrata zavedanja. To je bilo zame zelo nenavadno. Prevzel me je strah. Nisem vedela, kako naj se rešim sama. Kaj naj naredim? Tega se nisem naučila.

V sobo je vstopila ženska, ki sem jo spoznala pred operacijo, na hodniku. Skoraj je že dokončno okrevala, zato me je prišla pozdraviti. Njena pozitivna naravnanost je bila prav nalezljiva. Njen nasmeh in pozitivne besede, so za trenutek odmaknile žalost in strah. Nato pa se je tudi ona zagledala skozi okno in utihnila. Videla sem, da se je tudi ona potopila v svoje misli. Naenkrat je rekla: “Veš, četudi sva sedaj skoraj okrevali, je to šele začetek. Čaka naju drugačno potovanje in ozaveščanje, kaj ni bilo v redu, v našem življenju.” Nisem povsem razumela. Saj mi je bilo v tistem trenutku pomembno le, da grem čimprej domov, k svojemu otroku in domačim. Spet se je obrnila k meni in mi podarila nasmeh, ter odšla. Vsaka minuta v tisti sobi je bila dolga ure. Zato sem imela veliko časa za razmišljati. Opazila sem, da sem nemočna in prestrašena. Ponoči sem slabo spala, kljub tabletam. Odštevala sem minute, ure, dneve do odhoda domov. Velika ljubezen do mojega otroka, mi je dala moč, da sem zdržala. Spoznala sem, kakšna dragocenost je imeti otroka. Pa ne samo zaradi njega samega, temveč, zaradi krasne izkušnje brezpogojne ljubezni, ki jo začutiš ob njem. Verjamem, da enako brezpogojno ljubezen lahko čutiš tudi do živali, ali česarkoli drugega, vendar meni, je za spoznanje te ljubezni, bil dan otrok. To je bilo prvo večje spoznanje v tistem času. Otroci nam niso dani v last, ali kot trofeja, dani so nam zato, da spoznamo nekaj novega v sebi, ki seže onkraj nenasitnega Ega.

Fizično sem se vsak dan počutila bolje. Še zmeraj sem mislila, da me bo lahko nekdo rešil. Fizično so me rešili angeli v belem (zdravniki), ampak jaz sem rabila drugačno rešitev. Še sama nisem vedela, kaj naj bi to bilo. Vsak dan, so prihajali ljubeči obraz k meni in me bodrili. V njihovih očeh sem videla, da bi mi radi pomagali, vendar tokrat ne znajo, ne morejo. Takrat sem v sebi začutila najprej močno jezo, nato pa moč. V meni se je prebudilo zavedanje, da sem sama ustvarila, to, kar se mi dogaja. Če sem imela moč, ustvariti tako močno in bolečo izkušnjo, zakaj potem ne bi imela moči, za ustvaritev popolnoma nasprotne izkušnje? Tako se je začela moja nova pot. Prebudila sem se iz globokega spanja in začela živeti…

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